today was the day i was called "better than.." and it really mattered to me. it was like waiting for an ILOVEYOU from someone who you loved for such a very long time. for the first time in a long time i feel safe here. and its such a big big big deal to me.

I just started reading Special Topics in Calamity Physics.

I've never felt this way about a book since Oryx and Crake.
AND THATS SAYING A WHOLE LOT
I cant compare this to anything Gaiman because with him you already expect the awesome but this, THIS BOOK...

its like Juno slash Gossip Girl slash The Emperors Club
i have to say, it reads like the future biography of my Erica

in the story, the heroine's mom is dies (wow!) and she grows up with her father. youd get the idea she was raised to be nothing short of a genius. The character Blue's (the heroine) dad feels like the melding of my mom and my dad. its a wow book for me. i just keep laughing when i read it, and close to crying sometimes.

i'm at page 110 of a 728 page book and i am in love with it.

favorite quote's so far:
"Abandoning Dad felt like deboning all the old American musicals, separating Rodgers from Hammerstein, Lerner from Loewe, Comden from Greene"
p 66

and that really long paragraph on page 101 basta. ang ganda nito

*sigh*

i slept early tonight because i was feeling so bad
only to wake up feeling still as equally bad.

i sleep earlier
i get tired easily
i want to go out nights but i know i wouldnt be able to hack it

i keep watching old movie cartoons (or cartoon movies) all day cos i dont feel like going out although i know i should cos its bad to be a couch potato. and you know youre in kindov an odd state when all the kids have somewhere to go and you just want to stay home.

labo lang eh

i used to dream about you when you were sick and since you left i didnt dream about  you anymore and i felt so alone.
and before i went to sleep i wished to dream of you and maybe thats the way the conscious works with the resting brain but whatever.

i dreamt about you

i was in the main house on the couch watching tv and AJ calls me and she says youre there and you want to see me.
and i know youre gone and i know youre just visiting me and i ran to you.

Mama in the green and white dress with flowers in your short hair. or maybe your hair was made of flowers. the little white ones. flowers and buds and leaves. and you were smiling at me and you were SO BEAUTIFUL like the days before the bad days when you looked like a movie star,only your hair was shorter.

and we ate bread near my old school and we ate again at home and we were talking. and i was partly taking care of you still but you were completely fine, i just got so used to taking care of you. and you called me by my name.

and you told me you loved me and that youd always be watching, so i didnt have to worry about being alone cause youd always be there. i dont remember all the words and it pains me that i dont. but i do remember the feelings so completely and the feelings said that her love for me was for always and forever in any time, place, or circumstance.

and you said it was time to go. and i said no wait dont leave i miss you so much.
then you told me "im always always here my Laraine"

and i walked hand in hand with you to the grotto and off you went back home

and when i woke up it was the best ive ever felt and i didnt feel so alone anymore. i actually felt radiantly happy.
and i know that they say your dreams are only the manifestation of your sub and conscious blah blah WHAT EVER RIGHT

i felt like i spent time with her.

i felt so loved by mom. i didnt wake up feeling sad cos it was JUST a dream. when i woke up i felt so complete and happy, like i could face the world thinking of Mom and just smile.

in my dreams and in my heart. true love always lives on.

sori lara. bobo aq mgpasaya ng tao, if ever nlng that u feel lonely. mgvideoke nlng tau, sbay ult tau kanta. o kya alalahanin mu ung suot q s white ave. or alalahanin mu dn ung mga fun days s maynards, balay and mogwoi. hugs nlng dn, gaya nlng aq s knla. loveu lara.

ay natawa talaga ako jan sa facebook comment ni nikon. :) saya ko.

hay.
and thats how it feels. when im walking. its like
hay.
and when i go to the grocery
hay.
and when i have to go to bed
hay
and when i wake up
HAY
and when im alone in public transportation
hay
thats why if jako cant pick me up here, i just stay home or wait for him to come over.
and when its cleaning time its like
hay
and thats why its taking us so long to clean up because after the HAY its impossible to start cleaning again.

and i dont understand why people say, lari youre a strong girl. wala. i feel so undeserving cos i dont feel strong. im actually kind of a pussy. i just know that i try to do my best everyday cause my family needs each other to be steady. id feel terrible if parang im unconsciously faking it. im just the type who isnt bothered wearing her heart on her sleeve, as long as it doesnt get offensive haha

hay.

i peoplewatch. wala lang. and when i see a family parang i try to peoplewatch them and think of what their story is like. and i just thought of it last sunday. i wonder if other people peoplewatch too and decide to watch us. a dad and three girls. magegets kaya nila?

i want to see my friends. i miss them.
my boys and my few girl friends the southers and the highschoolies. my cfad friends shit i miss laughing with them.
but i cant bring myself to be like oh heyyyyyyyy guyse when i just feel so totally gray inside.
one step at a time lang.

i miss her.

we cremated and buried mom today. the words sound so brutal when i type them.

it was all so surreal. i cant even put it in to words right now but i remember everything.

i got her titanium implant though. i always wanted to see what it looked like.. and i have it now. :)
its pretty badass cos it survived shit i dont know how hot it was in there.

and sometimes i feel so hopeless and panicky like im gasping for air. and i just want to cry and cry and cry alone and then when i remember mama's mesh its like... all of her hope when all was hopeless and i feel a little bit better and i can actually smile. but oh my god i just dont know what to do with myself.  i want to run run run run but i want to be here. at home. with my dad and my sisters and some of my aunts

erica and i read moms 'diary' awhile ago. we made missy read it afterwards and shit have you ever heard a melody of three breaking hearts it was like... ANO BA mahal na mahal mo talaga kami at kami lang talaga and pinaka mahal mo sa buong mundo.

andami ko pa gusto sabihin pero diko na kaya itype. antagal ko nalast natulog.

if youre reading this and you are blessed enough to still have your one and only mother in your life.
Hug her and tell her you love her forever.

is letting go.
03/04/09. 11:09pm

in the middle of my angry prayers to God i always asked Him to please let me be there when He took you. and I was. I love you i love you i love you.
see you soon mama <3

so i remember this one night i was tryna pray right. and i was saying thank you for the bonus and all that. and then i trailed off and i wanted to just scream TEKA LANG BAKIT BA HA? bat siya, bat kami bat AKO PA YUNG MAWAWALAN NG NANAY. tipong ganon lang

inb4 its wrong to question God.
sabi ng school of thought ko, PWEDE. kasi pag di ka magtanong, pano ka tatanggap ng sagot, DIBA?

kasi. talaga. minsan
titingin lang ako sa sky. tas blue na blue siya. tas maiisip ko
ang  ganda langit ang ganda ng araw, nanay ko hindi na bumubuka yung mata. AHAHA kasi parang ang mali diba. minsan nakapila nalang ako sa supermarket tas bigla ako matatawa. dati kasama ko lang si mama dun, bago siya nag states tinuruan pa nya ako pumili ng magandang klase ng karne
 
tas ang inggitera ko na diba.
naiingit ako sa mga pinsan ko. naiingit ako sa mga nakikita ko sa mall na magkasamang nanay saka anak na babae.
inggit na inggit talaga ako, gusto ko rin ng ganon shit

tas nagagalit akooooo galit na galit ako pag nakaka rinig ako ng mga nag cocomplain tunkol sa mga nanay nila. baka hindi ko lang alam pero kupal talaga yung mga nanay nila. pero ano ba iisa lang yan mahalin nyo na siya today.

parang.. alam nyo yun.
ang funny lang.
lol